To my Iraqi Self

Dear…
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There’s no right way to begin this letter but I believe I owe you an apology. I’m sorry that I have not exactly been faithful to you. I apologize for deserting and rediscovering you whenever it seems most convenient to me. I truly hope you can forgive me.
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When I left you, I left everything. And what I faced afterwards was nothing short of excruciating. I tried, in vain, to replace you. For years I sought only to forget you and find another I could maintain instead. It was all in vain. I came back to you, broken, confused, lost in every sense of the word. My heart longed to be accepted by you once more that I could feel complete. My clumsy attempts at reconciliation were borderline comical. You were all I could see, and all I wanted to see yet somehow my intentions were not enough. It was never sufficient. If I did something right, I didn’t do enough of it. If I spent considerable time at another thing, it wouldn’t be the right one.
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For a while I somehow believed myself cured, but it didn’t last. That dreaded feeling slowly crept into my conscious again. Once again I was questioning everything, this time with a desperation previously alien to me.
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Now, here I am. Stuck. Pleading with you to love me. I promise that it won’t be like before. I have changed. I am ready to commit to you no matter the consequences. I will never replace you. Every attempt to nurture any seed within me with something other than you has failed. Everything I’ve grown in your absence has wilted and died. I simply cannot live unless you love me.
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I love you.

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